The Future Will Be Wholesome

24 01 2007

The first Dunkin’ Donuts in all Taiwan opened here, a week ago, in Taipei, not far from one of the arthouses, giving Nippon’s Mister Donut, hitherto the market giant, a run for its year-old monopoly. I await some titanic battle of the corporate mascots that will lay waste to the metropolis with cheesy effects; blows will be traded and sprinkles rained on streets thronged with screaming Asians. Two versions, with alternate endings, will be shot and released in the appropriate countries. The Taipei Times, organ of finely edited English prose that it is, featured a picture of six comely and miniskirted hostesses in company colors showing off trays of the famous treats glazed, powdered, and otherwise pampered. “Product localization”, the result as ever of discerning “market research”, has, so say rumors, resulted in sweets not quite as cloying as the American originals. Meanwhile, Hong Kong’s only Krispy Kreme, a sleek art deco mart of brushed silvers and grays in the heart of ritzy Causeway, continues to pack them in with its HOT! light, a beacon to all lonely wayfarers whom only a life ring of fried and sugared dough will save from drowning. I stumbled on it once, in a light fog, dazed from hours of pointless browsing; its spruce logo and mirrored lettering came to me from that twilight zone of collective cultural memory where still reigns, with all its sweetheart hopes, a peculiarly American sham Shangri-La: the fifties of checkered floors and busboys in paper caps. Inside, I was sure, the help would say “please” and “thank you” and Buddy Holly would be singing of a fool’s paradise. There Father hunkers lovingly over cream fillings that murmur futures, just around the corner past the Joneses’, full of flying station wagons, and breathe not a word to him of impending coronaries.

On the clash of the donut kings, the Times has this to offer (of note: a misplaced modifier attesting to the widespread franchise known as South Korea):

It is perhaps useful to note that US doughnut giant Dunkin Donuts had an unsuccessful stint in Japan in the 1970s before pulling out. Despite a global presence spanning at least 30 different countries, South Korea is the only nation in East Asia that continues to boast Dunkin Donuts shops. The viability of the business in the region is questionable.

In case it was ever in doubt, Gojira did trounce Kong. Then again, as everyone knows, the 70s are coming back. Never bet against a good donut. Beard Papa, get your fightin’ gloves on.

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3 responses

25 01 2007
Andy J. Wang

Let’s have a Dunkin’ Donuts expedition.

25 01 2007
twinkiethekid

I’m your huckleberry.

29 01 2007
kmoroney

Did you ever discover how good the Beard Papa cream puffs are? Or did you completely snub them?

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